Musings on Motherhood

Conundrum. Catch 22. The feelings of my heart. Recently my thoughts are a juxtaposition of the differing aspects of Motherhood. I became a mother at 23. My 4th time around at just before 34 is very different. At 23 I had more energy. At 33 I had gained wisdom, tricks, and techniques. At 23 I spent so much time hanging around the toilet I wanted to die. At 34 I vividly remember those hours in the bathroom with each pregnancy, the burning reflux, and the aching of my legs, back and pelvis later on. But balanced against holding that sweet newborn I still think I want to go through it again. With 4 kids I can't seem to find a minute to work out, read, scrapbook, garden or hardly even blog anymore and I really miss and whine about that. But I also feel that with the addition of each child I cut out more of the extras to just survive and sometimes thrive on the essentials. I cheer on the days that my baby takes a good nap so that I can work out and shower on the same day. But I'm also sad that she doesn't need me to sleep next to her like when she was tiny. I relish the night of good sleep when she sleeps in her crib but I treasure the feel of her sweet little body snuggled next to me in the crook of my arm. I simply love nursing her. I can't think of a downside to that one. Feeding my babe bring such a sweet loving feeling to me. I treasure watching each of my children grow, learn, and discover who they are. But at the same time I want them all to stay little cuddled in my arms or on my lap. I recently was tallying up our budget for last year and can't believe that Eva cost over $7000. That much money would pay for a boob job, a trip to Disneyland, a motor bike for my husband, the increase in house payment for a bigger home, braces for my older kids or a lot of other things on my want list. $7000 is a sizeable chunk of our income. How many $7000 babies can we afford? At 22 I was a size 7 and 25 lbs lighter than I am now. At 34 I look better with my clothes on but in many ways I've grown into my skin. At 23 I loved my career and couldn't see ever not working. At 34 I can whine and complain after a long day of peed pants, fighting kids, and a messy house but I love being a mother and wonder what I will do with myself when my youngest goes off to kindergarten or worse yet off to college. How long can I put that off for? Who will I be then?